Time

In our kitchen hangs a perpetual calendar that our family has had for 18 years. I remember the day I ordered it from LL Bean. I was so happy. I had admired a beautiful handmade perpetual calendar my mother in law has in her kitchen. I was excited to find something like it, albeit mass produced, and remember the first time I hung it in our home - three homes ago. For some reason I have a connection to this calendar. It is almost as if it holds in it the passing of time for me and my family.

I rarely remember to change the month on the first day - case in point it is the 5th of the month and I just changed it over. I always have the same feeling when I move the tiles for the number of days, pictures for special occasions, etc.. into a new month. The feeling of a new beginning. I rarely feel sad that time passes along. I usually feel a sense of wonder. I reflect on the events that have occurred the month prior, look at the pictures that coincide with specific holidays and then wonder at how the new month will proceed. I have found myself marking big events in history on this calendar. After 9/11 I used the American Flag Tile at the end of each month as a way to remember. I realize I stopped doing this a few months ago. Maybe I stopped because somewhere in my own self I didn't need the visual reminder anymore. This memory has simply become part of the fabric of who I am now - to remember to be grateful every day because it can be taken away at any time.

After my mom died I started using a new tile on the 28th of every month to remember the day she died and to have a way to mark the time that has passed. The tile is a red rose with a red, white, and blue swag around it - this tile is supposed to be used for Memorial Day. And, I guess, that's what I am using it for - as a memory.

I asked myself today why? Why in the world am I doing this? First of all I recognize my gut is telling me to, it's an instinctual act, just like with the American flag tile after 9/11. But again, the question persists, why? I think I am doing this not to remember that my mom died, the hole in my heart reminds me of that every day. I think I am doing it to remind me that my mom lived. And in doing so I want to remember how my mom lived. I want to remember that she rarely, if ever, compromised her beliefs and that she loved unconditionally. She was so many things and did so many things that I feel it is important to find a way to hold on to her strength any way I can, which even includes this quirky way, especially as time passes along. My mom loved life and wanted to be a part of it as long as she could. I believe this act helps me remember.

One of my mom's favorite poets was Rod McKuen. He wrote a poem, Pushing the Clouds Away. Here is part of that poem. Funny, I have never read this poem before today, but for some reason I can hear my mom saying these words to me, time after time.

Golden Gate Bridge in Clouds
Courtesy of National Geographic

I have been going a long time now
and along the way I have learned some things.
You have to make the good times yourself.
Take the little times and make them into big times.
Save the times that are alright for the ones that aren't so good.

Well I'll admit.....
I have never been able to push the clouds away by myself. 
Help me, please.

And she always did, every time.

Magda